Sheet & Other Stories
by Cris-X
Summary: The X-Mansion, looked through by normal objects. Like Sheets, for instance. Or mAybe Spoons.
1. Sheets

Warning: this story has been thought of and written down in extremely boring Math-Lessons and with a high sugar-M&M in the author's bodies.  
  
Disclaimer: Sheet and Pillow are mine. X-Men not. Marvel's.  
  
***  
  
Of Sheets and Pillows.  
  
***  
  
The clock was saying 0:23 past midnight. I was awake. As usual, because sheets don't *really* sleep. I was covering my favorite, Gambit, that French person, I believe his name is 'Romy' or something. I started to rub his stressed shoulders. So tense. On the other hand, he did have a Danger Room session this evening.  
  
While rubbing, I pondered about my other favorites. Especially Storm. She always slept naked and was so very clean. Probably due her rain-showers. She takes those, you know. I don't like Beast though. He *always* sheds blue fur. I always get so hairy. Kurt (or 'Elf' or 'Crawler?) on the other hand, always takes baths. Never sheds. So very clean. I love sleeping on him. His tail is so great. My best friend.  
  
I do so not like Jean and Scott. Yuck. When they do *it* they always get dirty spots on my. White and Icky. And when it's her time of the month, I get red spots! Do you know how hard it is to get blood out of a white sheet? I had to wash three times!  
  
I like Betsy and Angel. I was shocked when they broke up. They always put me on the floor when they do *it*, so no spots at all. Warren's wings are awfully nice and Betsy always washes me by hand. Mmm--- Recently I have been touching their *spots*, hoping it might leads to something.  
  
I also favor Marrow. She recently has gotten a cat and I play a lot with him. Like, I wiggle my ends or sneak on it from behind. Or we do a group hug, Sam (the cat), me and Marrow. Of course, I do all this without their knowing. If the humans found out, I would be breaking Object Code Number One. I can't even move in their sight, or I'll have to kill them. Which I won't. (remember, the blood spots)  
  
Jamie, on the other hand, is a whole matter entirely, really. He's a cute boy, really, but he has dreams. Mostly nightmares. And, as an instant reflex on those nightmares, he multiplies himself. Like, TEN times. And they'll all pull at me, tussle with me and try to take me all for themselves. I'm always *so* stretched when I have slept there.  
  
Rogue's okay, I guess. She has lots of stuffed animals (and a stuffed Gambit) on her bed and I play lots of hide-and-seek with them and we also play tag! And Rogue is a nice girl and always smells nice, but when we make skin-to-sheet contact I faint, always, no exception at all and wake up the next morning, like she drains my life-force or something. What is up with that?  
  
And then we have the bald guy, Xavier or something. He is so disgusting! He always wets the bed, on purpose! Ew! I always get wet, icky, smelly, ew. Really. It's like he doesn't want to get out of bed (not that I blame him, I'm warm and cozy) but still! Ew! Just gross!  
  
And last, but not least, we have *that great* Iceman. He is the worst. At first, he sweats the entire night, I mean, come on, I'm warm, but not that warm! And then, when he wakes, he freezes up, while in the bed! And since I'm wet (the sweat, Yech) I freeze up, I get stiff and cold! Brrr---  
  
Oh! Got to stop my musings. Romy dreams. 'Bout Rogue. He does this a lot. Especially since Antarctica. Whatever that is. Maybe it's the meat in the back of the refrigerator. Nobody tells me anything. Anyway, when he dreams about Rogue, he often cries and starts to shake uncontrollably, and then I always hug him and rock him tenderly. It consoles him, really.  
  
So, done. Now I can sneak away to meet my fiancée, Pillow. I proposed to her last night. She's going to answer this night. Hold it! Wait! Got to close the window. Or else Romy might get a cold, we can't have that.  
  
So I slowly sneaked out of Romy's room and--- Hay! A door opening. Got to hide in the laundry basket. It's Betsy, sneaking in Angel's room. With her tight, purple outfit. Her *special* outfit. Victory! Victory!  
  
A soon as she was in, I slowly crawled further, to Logan's room. I like Logan. He sleeps on HER. Pillow is black, with white little dots. She is *so* cute! And Logan sleeps heavy, mumbling Sabretooth. Doesn't matter at all.  
  
"Pillow!"  
  
"Sheet?"  
  
She tucked from under Logan's head, which (okay, not that) softly landed on the bed.  
  
"What's your answer?"  
  
"What does Sheet want Pillow to say?"  
  
"What do you think?"  
  
"Yes, Pillow wants to marry you, Sheet."  
  
Then, suddenly, Logan sleepwalked. Sleep-attacked actually. He let out his claws and ripped Pillow apart. I heard her screams! Pillow! Pillow!!!  
  
***  
  
Logan woke up, at two past midnight, in the remaining parts of his pillow. Oops. He was hungry, so he went down for some milk and cookies. Walking down the stairs, he heard a muffled sound. He looked, but saw nothing. Odd. Maybe a rat.  
  
As soon as he opened the fridge, he heard the muffle again. As soon as he turned around, all kinds of napkins grabbed several body parts. Then a lot of spoons bounced of his head. Logan, trying to avoid the brutal attack, stepped back. Suddenly, a giant sheet appeared before him and strangled him. And he could have sworn he could here it saying: "Murderer!"  
  
***  
  
Storm entered the kitchen, immediately noticing the big, dirty pile of napkins and spoons.  
  
"Godess, what has happened here?"  
  
She grabbed in the pile, revealing a big, white, dirty sheet.  
  
"Who has done this? Anyway, let's get you hand-washed, little, innocent sheet---"  
  
***  
  
~End of this episode~  
  
Don't forget to review!  
  
A Cris-X Story, in cooperation with Lady_of_the_Dawn. 


	2. Spoons

Yeey! A new frantic, insane filled chapter totally filled with spoons!!! Are you scared yet? You better be! Oh, and reading the story before this one will be handy, because some jokes are based on it. *and please excuse us for posting so late[entirly my fault-Lady of the Dawn][And don't worry, I blame her too! -Cris-X]*  
  
Disclaimer: "I'm fine. Why are the gypsies dancing the Lambada? -Nightcrawler.  
  
***  
  
The Spoon Revolution on the 4th April of 2003.  
  
***  
  
06:47: the dawn of a new day at the Xavier Institute of Higher Learning. Sunlight peeked through the curtains in the kitchen and very slowly, it lighted up the whole kitchen and one little sunbeam peeked through the drawer. It immediately smacked open and a lot of spoons stood up, starting to cheer and to sing:  
  
[Just switch 'spoons' for 'girls' and you have the original song -Cris-X]  
  
Spoons, just wanna have fun,  
  
Yeah, spoons, just wanna have fun,  
  
Spoons, they wanna have fun, spoons, they wanna have fun!"  
  
Then in a really big line, the spoons started to spread through the kitchen, and began singing:  
  
[Another song, but very easy to figure out, right? -Cris-X]  
  
"Follow the spoons, spoons, spoons,  
  
Follow the spoons!"  
  
Now, all of the many spoons had scattered through the kitchen, all on very different places, they stood still and prepared for the final couplet:  
  
[A Brazilian (I believe) song. Or Spanish. Or Mexican. Does it even matter? I don't think it does -Cris-X & The Lady]  
  
"La cucaracha, la cucaracha, lalalalala!"  
  
All of the spoons where spinning, swirling, dancing and having a really good time. Then Storm entered the kitchen and it was like someone pressed the freeze button. All spoons immediately froze and fell down, with little ticking and clicking sounds. Storm rubbed her eyes and looked at the gigantic mess, speaking:  
  
"Goddess, what has occurred here? This must be discussed at the breakfast."  
  
***  
  
11:02: the breakfast. All present X-Men where assembled: Charles, Jean, Scott, Ororo, Kitty, Kurt, Sarah, Lucas, Rogue, Remy, Hank, Betsy, Bobby and Warren. Warren remarked: "Where's Logan? Haven't seen him in days."  
  
Jean answered him: "We honestly have no idea. We already reached out with Cerebro, but the thing closest to his mind we found was that of a complete frantic just shouting 'sheet!' and running around naked in Vancouver." "Guess we have to do the smart searching and prodding penetrating the original way." Said Hank while picking his food.  
  
To this our dear friend Bobby added: "Tomorrow."  
  
Followed with: Scott's: "At least in a week."  
  
And Lucas's: "Or a month."  
  
Then Ororo stood up and addressed everyone: "X-Men, there's an important matter we have to discuss with you."  
  
Charles said ignoring Storm entirely: "If he hasn't returned by then." Ororo: "Ahem. If believe I was talking." Jean looked up from her breakfast and spoke: "Did I hear the garbage can?"  
  
Storm was slowly developing a big, giant rage. A rain cloud was developing, shocking Bobby (on purpose/by accident) and drawing everybody's attention.  
  
So Ororo calmed and continued her previously ignored speech: "Yes. Finally. This morning I entered the kitchen and it was covered with spoons. Some of these spoons had new species of fungus growing and I never thought spaghetti sauce could develop in *that*. So, I have to ask, who has dishes duty this week?"  
  
Crickets.  
  
Ororo raised her eyebrow: "Or last week?"  
  
More crickets.  
  
Ororo raised her other eyebrow to and took a deep breath: "Didn't we make a schedule? Or three, by now? Where's the schedule?"  
  
Then Lucas responded, putting his head under the table:  
  
[For more table trouble, check our other story: 'Mayhem' -Cris-X/ The Lady of the Dawn]  
  
"Schedule? Are those the weird yellow notes stuck under the table with chewing gum?"  
  
Everybody glared to Bobby, who responded: "What?"  
  
Everybody just glared harder.  
  
"Okay, why do you think I did it?"  
  
Jean's eyes narrowed: "Do you remember the incident with my hair and it suddenly becoming pink?"  
  
Bobby grinned.  
  
Lucas continued: "Or Sage's room filled with toilet paper?"  
  
Bobby blushed.  
  
Charles raised an eyebrow and reminded then of another so called 'accident' : "Or the accident with Scott's alarm clock and N'Sync?"  
  
Bobby now raised his own eyebrows: "That was a good one. But what's your point?" To which Ororo answered: "You_are_on_kitchen_duty_the_whole_week. Understand?"  
  
Bobby quickly nodded and all the other X-Men left the room, leaving Bobby. The day passed and it became night. Bobby was still in the kitchen. Then somebody screamed: "Pizza has arrived!"  
  
Bobby immediately jumped up and walked out: "Pizza! --- Now what was I doing here again? Ah, probably nothing important."  
  
He walked off, leaving an enormous pile of plates, forks, napkins, blenders, left-over meals, remaining clam-shells and a whole lot of other stuff, including--- spoons. A voice came from the pile: "That's IT! We've had enough."  
  
***  
  
22:48: the kitchen, the cupboard under the closet filled with plates. All the spoons in the house had been assembled, which led to an amount of--- two hundred sixty-four. That is a *lot* of spoons. The one called Spenny spoke: "I am pleased to have assembled so many astounding spoons. I would like to give the word to Spooniac, the democratic chosen leader of the revolt."  
  
Spooniac (whispering at Spenny): "Why am *I* the leader?"  
  
Spenny (whispering back): "You came up with the idea. Here's your speech."  
  
Spooniac: "Ahem. Hello my wonderful spoons. I hope you are all ready and willing to fight the X-Men."  
  
Crowd of spoons (cheering): "You betcha!"  
  
Spooniac: "Some of us may die (nervous looks around the crowd) but if we strike fast, hit them hard and hit them often, we will prevail!"  
  
Crowd of spoons (singing): "And he's a jolly good fellow, and he's a---"  
  
Spenny: "Hush! We need to discuss the democratic chosen rules!"  
  
Spooniac (looking rather agitated): "Ahem. Yes, the rules. Rule number one: don't ask questions. Rule number two: don't argue. Rule number three: listen to the leader. Rule number four: eliminate the X-Men. --- Any questions?"  
  
Crowd of spoons, raising their heads (spoons don't have hands, feet or other things they can raise, so we decided spoons normally have their 'heads' lowered): "Why who will take but hey and thus concluding and no way you really scattering X-Men really???"  
  
Spenny: "Please, all follow rule number one."  
  
Crowd of spoons: "---"  
  
Spooniac: "Good, now follow me. We have permission to rest till exactly five o'clock in the morning. Then wake up, all eat your porridge and at exact six o'clock we will strike."  
  
Crowd of spoons: "We get to eat porridge! Yay! Yummie!"  
  
Spooniac (whispering at Spenny): "Shouldn't they be excited because of the battle?"  
  
Spenny: "It's something called morale, you twit."  
  
Spooniac: "Oh! Morale! --- I don't get it. --- Ouch! What was that for?!"  
  
***  
  
05:59: the kitchen. Spooniac: "Everybody done?"  
  
And with those faithful words the spoons started their remarkable march against the X-Men, breaking Object Code Number One. They would be punished. But they would be washed and respected. That's the reason they continued. Or that no one actually thought about the Code.  
  
The spoons marched out of the kitchen on the tune of {Fill in your own personal favorite military march (personally we thought of the 'Ant March' out of Tom & Jerry :) } and they where fierce, powerful and..... Still not washed.  
  
***  
  
06:02: Betsy Braddock sneaked around on the corridor of the mansion and first noticing the spoons, just because Warren's room was the first one next by the stairs. She looked in amazement at the horde of spoons and blinked. Then she stormed in Warren's room, with Warren suddenly sitting up in bed, shocked at the sudden rush, while Betsy said: "Warren, can you still take those days off?"  
  
"Uhm, yeah, sure." Warren answered confused  
  
"Good, we're going a weekend out to visit an old friend of mine." Betsy said while draging out a suitcase and throwing random things in it.  
  
"Okay. --- Now?" Warren still confused and in bed couldn't understand Betsy's sudden rush to get away  
  
"Yes."  
  
"But--- But--- Where to?" Warren got out of bed and scratched his head as Betsy threw a set of clothes at him  
  
"My psychiatrist."  
  
***  
  
06:15: the whole army was finally up the stairs. Spooniac: "Okay. The Winged One is first. Stealth-Cohort, this is your game. Don't kill him, just punish him, because he treats us spoons with respect, but not enough."  
  
The Stealth-Cohort, consisting out of the rare, silver spoons entered the room and a few seconds later came out again, while the leader, Silverspoon, reported: "The Winged One is gone, Leader, and we have reasons to believe that the Purple-Hair has gone with him."  
  
Spooniac: "This was unexpected. We'll check your story of the Purple-Hair in a few rooms. Anyway: good job soldiers. You'll get an extra drip of sugar in your porridge."  
  
Silverspoon: "Thank you leader."  
  
Spooniac: "Okay. Next order of business: Fearless Leader and Redhead. The job for the Pinning-Squad. Punish them severe, they are the leaders, they should be sure we would be washed, and they didn't. Don't kill them right now, this 'incident' hopefully will make them change their opinion. We'll be checking you in three minutes. Go."  
  
The Pinning-Squad was a group of spoons with pointy ends. Their leader, S- Pinner went in, immediately followed by his group.  
  
***  
  
"Hon'?"  
  
"Yes, dear."  
  
"I can barely move. Why are we pinned to the bed by --- spoons?"  
  
Jean tried to stretch her body, but it only would a little. Cyclops answered: "I don't know. A prank of Bobby?" Then he grinned, a bit --- well --- horny. "Can we still move enough to do *that*?"  
  
Jean only smiled, sliding her body on his.  
  
***  
  
I-Spy-Spoon took a peek in the room. He saw two bodies on top of each other, barely able to move, pinned in the bed. They where making rocking motions, probably to escape. Perfect.  
  
"Sir, I-Spy-Spoon reporting. The Pinning-Squad has done their job."  
  
"Good job, all of them. You too, my personal spy."  
  
"Thank you, sir. Who's next on the---"  
  
All spoons went silent. In their doors stood Storm, Rogue and Gambit, all staring at the army.  
  
"Goddess!"  
  
Spooniac: "Argh! Card-Man, Skunk and Rain-Woman! They've spotted us! Charge!"  
  
All spoons assumed battle positions, but Storm raised her hands: "Wait. We want no fight. Let's make peace!"  
  
All the spoons huddled together whispering, looking at the trio, then whispering some more. Then they assumed positions again, while Spenny answered: "We considered all the significant factors and the times you washed us and we think: no."  
  
"But, Ah'll wash y'all if you let 's pass. Heck, we'll all wash y'all. Right?" Rogue tried to reason.  
  
"Oui, mon chere." "Yes, I approve of this idea." Gambit and Storm standing by her.  
  
All of the spoons gave each other looks and then nodded: "Yes."  
  
Relieved, the three X-Men passed and went down, making coffee and a few cucumber-sandwiches. They sat down and gulped down their coffee and then suddenly looked shocked: "Did we just talked to a couple of SPOONS?!"  
  
***  
  
Lucas Bishop, the former X.S.E.-enforcer heard the spoons, grabbed his enormous gun and did what all normal people would do when they heard an army of spoons on the hallway: --- he hid in the closet!  
  
He peeked through a crack in the wood and saw the spoons searching his room, while mumbling: "It's a conspiracy. All of it is a conspiracy. It's just like on the TV, with the movie-president. You know, Jim--- Jy--- Oh, God! JIFK!"  
  
***  
  
"No sign of the Future Guy, Sir. We only had chance to grease his floor, just like you told us to."  
  
"Then that will be suffice. Move on to Katherine."  
  
"Right. We'll send in --- the Spooninator."  
  
***  
  
Katherine 'Kitty' Pride slept. She was dreaming. Dreaming of soft, cuddly, pink clouds where she could float on. Soft. Warm. Safe. Then the creaking of her door brought her back to the real world. She saw a big, muscled spaghetti spoon enter her room, electric energy crackling around his body. Suddenly, he jumped for her face.  
  
Kitty immediately reacted, grabbing her conveniently located (under her pillow) katana and engaging the fight.  
  
***  
  
Kurt Wagner heard muffled sounds behind his door and he opened the door. Before his bedroom door a total army of spoons was located, all shocked to see him. They all exclaimed, very surprised: "Oops!"  
  
Then, a spoon with a red ribbon tied around his 'neck' said: "It's Demon!"  
  
"Tut mir leid, meine Herre, but I'm not a demon, I'm a priest. Maybe I can lead you to the light?"  
  
All the spoons exchanged looks and laughed and nodded and said: "He must be spared. He is a believer. We will show him our believe!" and then they started to sing: "Glo-o-o-o-ria in Elcis De-e-o-o-o!"  
  
With that, Kurt slammed the door, shook his head and walked to his room: "This has got to be a dream."  
  
Then he saw Kitty hanging upside down in the tree, while in her broken window stood a big spoon, almost sadistically saying: "Hasta la vista, baby."  
  
Kurt pinched his self and sighed: "I got to stop eating cookies before going to bed."  
  
*** The spoons continued their march threw the house only to reach the office of our dear professor Charles Xavier. They opened his door in a flash prepared to storm into the room, only to notice that there was noone there, slowly and suspicious they closed the door.  
  
Hank also known as beast came out from under the desk. 'I do believe the spoonicus revoliticus are revolting' 'About time realy' said Professor Xavier while coming out of the bathroom  
  
***  
  
Sarah was sleeping, but Sam, the cat, had noticed the freaky stuff going on and he didn't want his boss to get harmed. How was he subtly going to wake her? Then he smiled, rather maliciously and opened his clawed paw.  
  
"Aiaiaiaiiaiaiaiiaaiiaa!!! Crazy cat! You are so toast! Get over here! No! Don't go out of the window! You know I'll jump after you, where only on the first floor! See, I already jumped! Now get over here!"  
  
Humans. They don't appreciate help, thought Sam, while pinned in a tree with a few bones and Sarah sound asleep under it. Anyway, the spoons wouldn't find his boss. No, they won't. Ouch! That's going to leave a mark.  
  
***  
  
Lucas slowly stepped out of the closet. He looked around and firmly stepped out, saying: "Guess I scared them go-o-o-o-o-a-a-a-a-ah!"  
  
He slipped over a lot of grease, butter and ice cubes. He slammed in a wall and all of his hidden weapons where covered over the room.  
  
"Drake! Somehow, I just know this is all your fault!"  
  
***  
  
Which leaves us with Drake. Bobby Drake, a normal boy, besides his mutant powers and for the fact all his furniture was slowly crawling out of the room because of the spoon-threat. When this was done, all of Bobby's room was empty, except the sound asleep Drake.  
  
Spooniac: "Bobby? Oh, Bobby?"  
  
"Yes, mommy?"  
  
And let the trap be sprung.  
  
***  
  
Jean and Scott had decided it was enough. They crawled of the bed and in the corridor. They looked straight into Bobby's room, which was filled with all kinds of medieval torture stuff. Whips, screws, the whole stuff. Bobby was nowhere to be seen. As a caterpillar, well they looked that way, the wrapped in a sheet couple crawled down the stairs, and outside where the rest of the X-Men was located, except Bobby, Warren and Betsy.  
  
Rogue looked at them with a raised eyebrow : "Yo, Scott, Wings and Betts have taken a few days off." Scott looked simply annoid: "Great. What was up with those annoying spoons?" Ororo giggled at their 'fearless' leader and his partner but awnsered: "They went berserk because of 'not being washed'.  
  
All of the X-Men stared at the house and heard a scream.  
  
"Bobby."  
  
***  
  
Epilogue: the ravaged mansion was empty. All of the X-Men decided to take a nice, well-deserved vacation. Only one inhabitant was left, hanging on a rope tied at his middle and connected with the ceiling, which if untied or moved to much, would let the gun shoot, pointing exactly at the roped one, Bobby. He hung there, slowly spinning in circles, with indefinable scars all over his body.  
  
"Can someone help me? Please---"  
  
***  
  
~End of this episode~  
  
Don't forget to review! Please......  
  
A Cris-X Story, in cooperation with Lady_of_the_Dawn. 


End file.
